The role of the partner
The adult in this story is usually the partner, a word I use to mean- ‘the member of the parenting team who did not give birth’. It is situations like the first nappy change which left me believing that partners were a drain on my already overstretched time. Even experienced adults can be taken aback by a newborn; as for first timers, all the parenting classes and baby doll changes in the world wont stop the nerves when facing the real deal. I confess I often thought to myself: ‘partners try to help, but they just get in the way’.
When there is no one there holding the baby
Generally we had good staffing (back when we had not yet become exhausted from a never ending pandemic and home schooling) yet despite this the workload felt heavier than ever. When I thought about it, I realised I was spending a lot more time than usual helping care for the babies. It seems obvious to me now. The partners had been saving me a huge amount of time all along. I remembered how partners would spend a lot of time on the ward simply sitting holding their baby while the mother got some rest, ate or had a shower. All those times I walked passed a partner holding their sleeping baby for hours while the mother also slept, and I thought ‘how lovely they are having a cuddle’. Now I know what happens when there is no one there holding the baby. Let me give you a clue, it’s rarely a baby sleeping peacefully in their cot. I did not see how much they were contributing until they were gone. Maybe I never would have seen it. A letter of apology has been forming in my mind:
Dear Partners,
To the person who has been quietly holding the baby for hours while the mother rests.
You are invaluable. For years I have not appreciated you and I am so sorry.
I promise I will never make that mistake again.
Yours sincerely,
A humbled Midwife
Now I know how hard it is to get everyone showered when there is no one to watch the baby. Sensing my divided attention the mothers often choose to wait until their partner is there. Most days I am counting down until one o’clock just as much as they are.
Appreciation
I’m sure this is one of many important lessons that has come from the pandemic. There is one lesson the Government are ignoring. I can’t help but draw a comparison between the way I did not appreciated the partners and how the government do no appreciate their NHS workers. I include myself in one of the many NHS workers who have felt less appreciated by the government than ever in the last year. Will our contribution be invisible to them until we are gone?
Dear Politicians,
To the people quietly holding the power while the NHS never rests:
We are Invaluable. For years you have not appreciated us and you are not even sorry.
You make that mistake over and over again.
Yours sincerely,
An under appreciated NHS Midwife
Well said
Enjoyed reading your article immensely Mairi as it so very honest. Support from Government,peers,partners and family is so important at this time & onwards into the post covid era. We often don’t notice or appreciate what people do until they are no longer present. Best wishes for the future in your career…many lessons to learn here about capabilities & purpose. As a mother, grandmother, ex Midwife & of course your Aunt I’m very proud of your voice! Well done!
Another former Midwife salutes you, and I’m Euan’s great Aunt, once removed . (Really twice removed – once to the U.S., and once to Guatemala !) I endorse everything your Aunt Lynn says. I wish you great Joy in the super-special career you have chosen.
Thank you so much Mairie. I well remember that first nappy change with my first baby and I hadn’t a clue! I didn’t know how disposable nappies worked, I was going to use terries. And I did the watching while my partner did his first – that was a laugh – and I managed to keep my hands to myself somehow. I can picture it now! Yes, this Government certainly holds NHS staff in contempt, despite possibly saving the PM’s life. Keep on writing …
Mairi,
Thank you for sharing such a personal post with us. In life, experience is the best teacher. I’m glad you were able to enlarge your appreciation for the partners of your patients through yours.
Also, if no one has told you this today, let me be the first to say thank you for all you do for others!
This post beautifully highlights the often-overlooked role of partners in newborn care! As a midwife, your perspective on how much support they provide. Even just by holding the baby-is eye-opening. The challenges of the first nappy change are real, and your experience during lockdown truly emphasizes the value of having a second set of hands. A great read for both new parents and healthcare professionals! Looking forward to more insights from you.
This post captures the reality of midwifery so well! As someone who’s been in similar situations, I totally relate to the mix of emotions during those first newborn nappy changes. It’s such a tender moment for new parents, but the time pressure for midwives is real. Posts like this are a great reminder of how much patience and skill go into supporting first-time parents through newborn care. Thank you for sharing this!